some kind of miracle?

today is really lonely.

the fact that it's nine eleven makes me think. and i realize just how afraid i am of loss. how i hear most of my friends saying how crazy their rides are to school things like that, it makes me worry. and it makes me think a little too much  about how afraid i am to lose them. and i just want all of you to know, I love you, don't question it, don't say but or why or anything like that. Don't ask WHY i love you. because I just love you. you all have made an impact on my life and I  would never know what to do if i ever ever ever ever ever ever lost you.

be careful, put your seatbelts on when you get in cars, drive safely and don't be stupid and go fast like its' a cool thing cause it's stupid and you should be safe instead of being dumb and going 800 miles an hour in a fifteen mile per hour speed limit area. just be careful. in everything you do. I love you. I have no idea what i'd do if i lost someone again this year or any year of my life for that matter. if you've never lostsomeone, you don't know just how painful it is.

So go to your mothers and fathers and hug them and tell them you love them, tell your brothers and sisters how special they are. tell everyone in your family that you care. even if you think you "hate" them. tell your friends just how much they mean to you. tell your PETS for crying out loud because they mean something to you.

I love you guys. and even though you know that, I'm still telling you.

another reason that today is really lonely. i keep thinking to myself "when is he going to call?" staring at my phone like i'm waiting for it to jump up and start dancing. I'm trying not to be depressed because I promised myself that I wouldn't be upset if billy didn't get to go anywhere or if he didn't call. but i don't know. maybe i'm just getting my hopes up WAY too high.

*sigh*

just. I love you guys. i shouldn't be worrying about myself. today isn't for selfish feelings. I love you guys.

love

nikki

and i know my heart is beating.

when things go cold

yesterday was ok apart from the fact that i felt like crap the whole day. first hour i slept. second hour a guy played metallica's exit light. i loved it. i sang it a lot for the rest of the day. band was a fun time lol. we played a name game which has been dubbed "LETS TOSS THE BASS MALLETS!" i got hit in the head with THREE at the same time. it hurt. still does and i have a lump. but it was fun. lunch i spent with crystal and like two seconds with matt and i saw tiffany. fourth hour we had to make posters on the patterns we learned the day before. ours rocked. kevin's group did one on our pattern. i don't know why but their poster made me giggle and kevin and i passed notes. fifth hour i don't even know WHAT went on because i felt like such crap.

band was all right. lissa told me she's gonna talk to billy about me like put in a good word because she thinks we'd be a cute couple. speaking of which, in fifth hour he put my flute together. and he did it right the first time. which impresses me. like a lot. when class was over lindsey took me, samantha and melissa to the book sale. we signed in and started loading books onto the truck. H was right, marching band builds muscle. usually when i lift things my arms become really weak. but i figured out i have muscles! woot! i helped organize the books when they were put on the tables. then went inside for a group picture. that was fun. i enjoyed it alot. I think i'm gonna enjoy key club a whole lot !!!

I got home and noticed moony acting real funny. she kept sitting around then meowing real loudly nonstop like she was trying to tell me something. this went on for a few hours before i decided to ask mom if my cat was in labor. turns out she was. i went BALISTIC. I started cleaning out my closet so she could have them in there then i cleaned under the bed. then mom told me to put her in the laundry room so she could have them in there. i felt so bad because she was going nuts in there wanting to get out. Meghan called me and we had a real long conversation and caught up on a lot of things. i told her about Billy, how matt and i are ok now, and same with kevin, about the section leader workshop, how i didn't make the play, etc. she told me about how Mr. S is still praising Brooke, how acadec is a pain in the butt now, and many many other assorted peanut things. I was glad we talked. I miss her a whole lot.

I stayed with moony for a couple of hours before i started to fall asleep. by that time she'd only had two kittens. thismorning mom informed me that she had a total of four kittens. I sat and observed them. two of them are light grey tabby cats, the other is a dark tabby and one is plain black. they're so beautiful:

she looks so tired. awe.

i like her eyes right here. awe look at them. they're SO CUTE!

i tried to get a better picture. didn't turn out that well.

i just LOVE her!

that's the best picture of them. they're SO FRIGGIN CUTE. they make me miss james, harry and lily like a whole lot. but i'll never forget those three.  like ever. awe.

i told you guys miracles would happen this year. and well. right now i've got four.

love

nikki

they made everything seem all right again.

who else thinks like that about me

so this is the thanks I get for being her friend ha?

ok. kersha and crystal alwasy took turns giving me rides to school. it was all kersha's idea. and tonight she says "how about crystal does it all the time because i have all my meetings and stuff" and i was all "um....ok"  then later i got out of the shower and crystal had called so i called her back to tell her, she was really pissed and she told me that kersha had been planning some way to stop giving me rides for some time because she said quote "GRR she's SO ANNOYING!!!"

well what the fuck? and i begin to wonder, who else doesn't want me around

what other people just want me to die because i'm obnoxious, wierd, stupid, hyper, and other things about me that they hate? who else!?!?!?! i know some people that don't talk crap behind my back wishing that i would just get out of their lives. thsoe are the people i trust. but there are other people I know there are who just want me to rot in hell.

well honestly, if you want to say something to me just say it. and don't be anonymous either. i'm sick of this. I know that people talk about me when i'm not around. well what the fuck?!!?! just say it to my face. i swear i won't get too upset. beacuse all i ever was to anyone was a friend. so what the hell.

just kick me while i'm down why don't you?

nikki

it doesn't mean anything

i'm a wasted wreck. thinking of things that will never come and knowing the knowledge that makes me want to break down into shaky tears.

why should i even bother to look at your beautiful face when i'm so unworthy. SHE is the one you want. so take her hand and run in joyful circles. i'll stand off to the side and watch while feeling another inch of my heart crack ever so gently. I don't know how long this will take but I think I should do it before I give you a rash.

as much as I care. I know I can't have you.

the worst way to miss someone is to stand right beside them knowing you can't have them.

so i'll walk by you in the halls and think "someday she'll be happy in his arms and i'll be waiting for my turn in someone else's"  and then the rain will come down and you'll offer HER your umbrella, I'll use my textbooks. I knew that falling in love with you was a lost cause in the first place. since even if you did want me too. I couldn't have you. there's a wall there. it's unbreakable. even if i believed it was. you didn't. and you never will. there's no convincing you. I should have realized all of this a long time ago.

i should have realized that i'm mediocre compaired to her beauty.

I should have realized that i'm just not the one you love. in fact.

I question sometimes whether you really love me in any way at all.

i shouldn't. but i do.

I should move on. even if I will never be able to keep my eyes off of you. my thoughts will run to you when i stare at the whiteboard. I'll make them rush for something else. because them rushing to you is like rushing into a sliding glass door, painful and stupid.

I'll pretend for a while that you mean nothing to me. but no. you mean everything to me. everything you are no one will ever know just how much I love you.

except me and God.

because if i told you you would probably pretend i was her. in fact i KNOW you'd pretend I was her. you always do. and I know it. when I say nice things, when i do certain things. when I say I want to hug you (even though I never do), when I tell you i love you. when I smile at you, when i look in your eyes. i just know you think

"I wish it was HER"

the next time you look at me, I'll avert my eyes, the next time you start to talk to me, i'll just nod and wave and walk away, i'll avoid you best i can. till this all blows over...i hope it won't take forever.

even though I fear it will.

I value what we have. but i'd be lying if i said i didn't desire more. i'd be lying if i said i didn't want to hold your hand when we sat across the table from one another that one day at lunch. i'd be a liar if i told you i didn't fall in love with you more every time i see you.

because i do. i did. i do.

But I have to give up. it's pointless. when others tell me i never know and that you could fall for me. I laugh. I scoff. I cry inside knowing that no that won't happen. now normally i'd take it into consideration. not this time.

i'm hanging up that hat and leaving it to gather dust on the hook.

some people tell me that you already love me. psh. as a friend and nothing more. you've made that clear.

so i'll ignore the odd coincidence in my horoscopes. I'll ignore the way you look at me. because i know you're thinking of her when you do. i'm nothing to you.

nothing more than a friend.

i'll accept that slowly and cry deep down inside while i laugh and joke with my friends as you walk by, i'll say hi and then break down inside yet again knowing you're just thinking of her. and you'll never be in love with me.

i give up.

she wins.

love

nikki

you're just jealous

boy...what a summer. it went by so fast.

but who says it hasn't been life changing...i haven't said that. have you?

lets recap:

Best Things That Happened:

• Friggin Rees Kidder came home from michigan
• Noises Off, i made many new friends
• I conqured like five fears in the course of two days.
• Matt and I got closer just because we talked about one thing and missed each other a lot.
• My sister and i started talking more.
• My mom and i don't fight as much anymore.
• I got closer to William just by that one phonecall i gave.
• Meghan and I solved our biggest problem in one night.
• I memorized my marching music in a day which is a record.
• I actually WENT job hunting like i promised (even if i didn't get a job)
• I got random visits from crystal and tiffany
• my parents told me i'm getting a car
• my grandma came to visit
• i spent a LOT of time with my dad and i never get to anymore.
• meghan constantly kidnapped me. tee hehehehehe.
• visits to sara feeley's house
• I got to see Rachel more often than i do.
• went to youth group
• i got a LITTLE better at the saxaphone than i used to be.
• H appreciates me
• BAND friggin CAMP!
• i made so many new friends it makes me so happy
• went to natalie's birthday party
• I figured out i can sing friggin opera
• I became friends with someone i was once enemies with. kind of.
• I fell in love for real for the second time in my life on the rainiest day of the summer. and that's just COOL.
• I became so pumped up by band camp that i know this year will be AMAZING!!!
• The flute section hasn't fought once yet: that's a friggin record for us.
• we have a GREAT flute section
• i matured a WHOLE WHOLE lot.
• I gained ten billion times more confidence in myself and how i look
• and I became more individual and ready for the world.

The Worst Things That Happened.

• Rees moved to phoenix.
• my sister and mom fought....a LOT.
• my dad had the worst father's day in history.
• I made the worst choice in the world. even if things are ok now.
• I figured out i might have heart problems.
• I gained all the weight i lost from marching band back and that's why i might have heart problems.
• i fought too much with my parents and my sister.
• i was REALLY mean to tony.
• for a while there cengiz and i didn't talk much at all.
• cengiz left without saying good bye to go to Turkey. bum.
• I experienced heartbreak for about twenty minutes..
• for about two hours i didn't talk to anyone because of something i won't say.
• and that's about it.

What I Learned This Summer.

• When you look up from a situation that's dragging you down in the mud, you can always be pulled out by the angel standing before you.
• Miracles can happen on any day of the year, even if it's raining.
• Life is not all fun and games, but that doesn't mean you can't fit them in once in a while.
• A smile on a cloudy day can bring out the sun for anyone.
• Love conquers all.
• I learned what true love really is. for the second time. in my life. and it's a new kind. hah.
• Honesty, though it can hurt, can mend any situation
• Friendship is a gift that after being opened, can never break. if it's truly unique. (which ours is)
• In the eyes of those you love, no matter what you are beautiful.
• Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.
• With God, anything can happen. (though i already knew that, it became more pronounced)
• distance doesn't matter, Love does.
• You will never forget something beautiful, no matter how far it goes.
• With hard work and determination comes rewards beyond human intellegence.
• A great enemy, can become an even better friend.
• Don't judge a book by it's cover.
• and most importantly: Confidence can create wonderful things.

My Hopes For This Year.

• Better grades than last year
• Superior with Distinction (or at least a superior)
• Becoming a more dedicated Band Nerd than I was.
• Many more new friends and memories.
• The Time Of My Life.

What I KNOW Will Come This Year.

• Better grades than last year
• Superior with Distinction (or at least a superior)
• Becoming a more dedicated Band Nerd than I was.
• Many more new friends and memories.
• The Time Of My Life.
• And something amazing will happen, miracles will come. something amazing will happen to all of us. I can feel it in my bones.

WE ARE JUNIORS

Good luck this year you guys, I love you all! We will be heroes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

legends beyond compare

we're writing history with every step we take!

love

nikki

doo doo dododo. doo dodo do dodo.

today was amazing sara invited skye and i over so my daddy and i ventured to giev skye a ride. he complained of some of the floodage but i didn't care. we went the wrong way on the street and missed skye's house. then we discovered her! and as suspected, my father made it a point to try and embarass me. so we talked about random things. like how samantha and i are stalking skye and how people who stalk her would like dig in trashcans and worship popsicle sticks that she touched. and how people stalked and made shrines for sean oh so long ago.

we arrived at sara's and i said "we're at sara feeley's house" and skye said "so it would seem" it reminded me of potter puppet pals. i laughed. and we were like no this isn't sara's house. that's not wiggles. it's a black sweater being blown about. and i said we should hide when the door opened. too late. we went into sara's room and started to talk about nothing. i love skye's shoes. i shall have them one day. with green not purple. hah jk. then tory philley called and invited sara to golden corral. she told her and chuck to come over and we'd all go. i was excited but had no money. and i hate borrowing money from people...damnit i still need to pay samantha back. i feel bad. SORRY SAMANTHA!!!! I SHALL pay you back...someday...

so anyway. talked more. wiggs and max attacked skye a lot. sara counted her money. we looked at a photo album! and pictures from band camp...i need to get that website. then they arrived we sat around talking and calling people who might also want to go. samantha arrived yay! sat and talked some mroe. i had a perfect stack of sara's coins. which kept getting knocked down mercilessly by max and wiggles and partially chuck. we left for golden corral. we GOT to golden corral. confusion with money. FOOD! and lots of it. i was SO hungry. i had steak, mushrooms, pizza, and a few pickle slices.

we sat there talking about random things like marching band and singing the songs for this year. it was rather fun to get to know chuck and tory a little more. tory told me to add her on myspace. that excites me because i wanted to but i didn't want her to think i was wierd like just random oh i think i'll add tory and we barely know one another. lalalala. but yah i'm happy. samantha hada pretty brownie. she made it all shiny. i took a lot of banana pudding. that stuff makes my heart happy. then out of nowhere, samantha and chuck started concocting strange things in bowls out of nearly everything on the table. oh and sara asked about a way to get money by catering. bwahaha.

but anyway. samantha found smelly sauce. it made me want to die. a lot. but i didn't. hah. then out of chuck's concoction, he had an m&m. and samantha dropped it many times on the floor and told me to eat it. i did. and i hated it. BUT marinaded chocolate is the wave of the future. then samantha put the rolls on top of bottles and such. that rocked. then her and skye left. much hugging. then these mexican guys were like staring at us. amanda talked to us a lot too. she's nice. we went outside. tory danced in the rain. i attempted a picture of it but i suck. then i got hugs from tory and chuck before sara took me home. got taken home and now here i am. oh yes and skye and i sniffed our drinks that was funny PICTURE TIME!:

isn't she just the cutest thing you have ever seen in your life?

that is a dark picture of chuck. damn flash not going off.

hahaha i love the look on her face. it makes me giggle...hahaha...titter.

this picture is when i attempted to get a picture of the sign that says "this is you sucking at life." but the string got in the way.

there it is yay! friggin stick man.

tory! she looks kind of evil lol. orange eye!?!?!?!?!

hahahaha at first every time i went to take a picture of her the camera would be dumb. but that time i won

"is this margo?" hah! i'll never get over that.

those are my perfect stacks of money. head to head tails to tails stacks. woot!

the almighty basket of rolls. *hail*

i swear, we were the coolest people in the whole damn restaurant.

that's the gummy bear that tory tortured to death as it swam in samantha's icky looking concoction.

it's roll city.

that is samantha's shiny brownie...after it was killed by the falling basket of rolls and the ketchup bottle.

this roll had nowhere to go. so we put it in a cup.

that's my friggin tower. of olden oral.

this is the only roll that hadn't gotten a place on a bottle. poor poor roll. sad little bastard.

hahahahahahahahaha, it makes me giggle.

that's tory dancing in the rain.

and that's them just standing there and chuck with his arms open.

that was my day. it rocks. because band people like sara, samantha, skye, tory and chuck rock. woot!

love

nikki

and all the while i thought of you

how can i love someone like you they ask

they say love comes without reason. that's just what this is. as farfetched and crazy as it may sound. it's true.

you can be such an ass hole sometimes. you can belittle anyone for no reason at all and step on the hands of those who reach for you. and yet i love you.

you can also be quite charming. smiling at passerby and giving a compliment or to. and yet i love you.

you can be so cold. shunning the world at your behold. you can be so distant, so shy and cruel. and yet i love you.

you can bring extreme joy to those around you. a simple joke or the fact that you try to make them smile when they hate you. and yet i love you.

you can mock everyone at every time and let your ego get the better of you at times. making others cringe and sneer at your presence. and yet i love you.

haven't you noticed that no matter what you've done, no matter who you are around me. I have loved you? haven't you noticed that in our arguments, our confrontations, our laughs, our cries, i've taken you as you are, and loved you? so they ask me why I love you?

there are no real reasons. I just love you.

I don't want a thing from you. I just love you.

just you.

your happiness. your hate. your jokes. your sadness. your ego. your charm. your everything. just you.

sure, we may not end up together. but i don't care, because i just love you. and if we do one day end up together. then that'd be great. but for now, I just love you.

and you told me you'd change for her. do anything you could to be with her. well i admit it hurt for a little bit. but now, I just want you to be happy. because I love you. just you. and sure you could change for her, i'd let it be.

you'd still be the same boy to me.

through everything that comes and everything that goes. whether we become a couple  or we don't. whether we fight or if we don't. whether we cry or not. whether we laugh or not. whether we smile or not. whether you love me this way or that way. whether we'll be just friends or become much more

i just love you.

just you.

that's all that matters.

love

nicole.

i love you.

the hardest part is saying good bye

summary of my day: Play=PERFECT! took down set, cried a lot about that. went to dairy queen, saw anthony . had an amazingly SHITTY time. the end.

now i'm going to dedicate this entry to the wonderful cast of Noises Off. and I hope that they aLL get a chance to read this. here it goes.

Sarah: I knew you before, but i only knew WHO you were. and now that I know you as a person, I don't regret it. You're an amazingly awesome and caring person with extraordinary talent and a knack for making people happy. and I'm glad that I got a chance to become friends with you, I'm really happy about that. I hope that we continue to be friends. it makes me happy I'm proud of you! I love you!

Samantha: I am really proud of how you did in the play. You have so many talents! Clarinet, being a friggin awesome person, and i just discovered your'e a wonderful actress. and I've gotten a little closer to you during the whole experience and that makes me extremelly happy. I'm proud of you! I love you!

Timmy: I admit that at first, I wasn't as keen with working with you. and I feel terrible about that now. I barely knew you and I had to be harsh and mean in the beginning. But then I got to know you and I don't regret it for one second. I find you to be a very talented and extremelly awesome and kind person. You also have an incredible talent for making people smile. I am sorry for being so harsh at the start. I'm glad I got to know you. I'm proud of you! I love you!

Megan: I have become really good friends with you throughout the entire experience. I'm extremelly happy about that because you're an awesome girl with real talent and very caring. If it weren't for the play and band, I don't know if we would have become friends, and that would be so saddening. I'm really really happy that we met, i hope we'll be friends for a long time ! I'm proud of you! I love you!

Jeniffer: We have gotten a little closer during the play and I'm really happy about that. and I couldn't have had more fun with you! But of course, theres still THE FLUTE SECTION of course I'm extremelly proud of you, you're an amazing actress. I'm proud of you! I love you!

Janice: I got to know you more in the entire time we did the play, and I'm really glad I did, and ya know what? You're friggin amazing. Remember that. I am impressed with your acting. I love it! and I can't wait to do marching band with you again. Because it's going to be lots of fun! And don't you forget: you're beautiful. I'm proud of you! I love you! 

TJ: You've gotta be one of the funniest guys I've ever met. And I dont' think we ever WOULD have met if it wasn't for the play. and I don't regret meeting you for a second. You're a really funny and caring guy and I love that! I hope that I get to see you even though the play is over. Because you're a good friend and I love your acting! It's awesome! I hope you get to do more plays. that would be a whole lot of fun! I'm proud of you! I love you!

Josh: You're eleven?!?!?!? lol. I'm serious you're one of the most mature guys I've ever met. and I'm glad that we met. because I think you're a really great guy and really funny. I had a whole lot of fun doing the play with you and I hope you do more plays so that we can do them and it'll be fun! You're a really great comedy actor, I suggest that you go on with that and be like Jim friggin Carey! because you can! I'm proud of you! I love you!

Sam: I didn't really get to know you, but from what I DO know, you're a really nice person and that's a good thing! I'm glad that you got to do all of this with us! I hope to see you again someday! You were a great stage manager person! I'm proud of you! I love you!

Libby: None of this could have happened without you. I know sometimes we were stressfull and things like that, but you kept it together and you were a wonderful director. I'm really glad that I got to knowyou through this whole experience, in fact without you there wouldn't have BEEN an experience. Thank you. For everything. I'm proud of you! I love you!

To everyone: I'm going to miss you all, I don't regret ever being in the play. I absolutely enjoyed it, there were ups and downs but we never fought and sometimes a cast usually will. but we didn't, we supported one another and kept it together no matter what happened. and we all became friends and that is just amazing. I think that every single one of you are beautiful, talented, and amazing people and I hope to be in other plays with ALL of you. I'll never forget this entire opportunity. I am very proud of you all and I love you very much!

I love you!

love

nikki

we'll be the greatest in all the world